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Thursday, 05 November 2009

  • facebook

    so apparently xanga requires you to connect to facebook?
    that ain't happening, should I convince myself to put something online generally the last thing i want is people who know me seeing my more secret stuff.
    maybe i'll make a livejournal or something.

Tuesday, 04 August 2009

  • finally emptied my myspace inbox

    so for the first time since i made my myspace i finally emptied out all the messages to today, i guess the limit is somewhere around 1700. Thats allot of messages, i remember back in the day using myspace allot to talk to people and etc. but in deleting all the messages i remembered allot of memories and etc. in high school that weren't so bad, but looking back there were so many things that were obvious me seeing noe that i wonder if they were obvious to me back then, like all the people that actually liked me that i had no idea liked me and etc. but i wonder how much of my life i actually had on myspace, in deleting all those messages i realized, allot of the first time for things happening to me happened on myspace, like the first time i was hit on by a gay guy, i diddn't freak out or anything like you might think, i just sorta ignored that he was gay and acted like he was a normal guy, kinda surprising i tend to think of myself as an asshole when i was younger, but i guess i was still a bit the same. There were allot of people that i was pretty close to when i was younger that seem very distant now. I wonder how much i've changed since then, when i tend to run into people they always seem to say that i never change, i wonder if thats a good thing? or if i've changed just less than most, or if they just don't notice that i've changed. But after nuking all of my inbox, i kinda wondered what happened to myspace, i think its still the same as it was for the generation that was my age back then, atleast watching my little brother on it 24/7 kidna reminds me of how i was back when i was myspace "legal age" i was on all the time talking to people, and rarely did much else other than listening to music. I guess maybe my little bro is more like me than i think, i just tend to not recall how much i was actually into myspace originally, but then again i did go through allot of phases, redneck-nerd-skater-nerd-nerd-nerd yeah i'm pretty much just a nerd now but still, deleting all my myspace inbox just sorta made me a little sentimental i guess. but yeah first time actually posting something here in a long time, i could get sentimental about xanga since i did make this when i was around 13 or 14 but i never really used xanga much, not many people read it. Even now i know not many people read it, i just sorta use it to express thoughts and etc. that i'm having at the moment.

Thursday, 09 April 2009

  • i'm sorry, i need to judge myself more often

    i'm not sure why but i felt very insecure today.
    but i think i upset jennie in the process, i guess we really should talk about this stuff more, probably would help to know what little things upset each other. I think i ended up making her sad again because of the way i was, i always feel dumb about it later.
    I keep saying i hope she doesn't leave me but i feel like i mess up allot. idk maybe my worries will end up making my own bad luck and then who do i have to blame? myself. Maybe everything bad thats ever happened to me was just because i willed it so?  Maybe i'm one of those assholes that makes everyone around them feel horrible. Regardless now i feel horrible for the depressing way i was acting and i wish i could call jennie now and say i'm sorry, just so she doesn't beat herself up over it or wonder whats wrong because we never talked about it.  I guess part of me hopes she'll pry whats wrong out of me, so i can say it then, feel stupid and not sulk about it later, its stupid i know.

    Part of me wants to hide what upsets me so i don't feel vulnerable, not that i do a good job, i'm horribly insecure, i don't know if i'd ever be able to apologize enough to the people closest to me,especially jennie, for the way retarded way i act sometimes. Not that it helps that my phones broke and i couldn't call to talk to her now to apologize anyways.

    i noticed i tend to use xanga as a message board to say something i intended to say to jennie, because she's usually the only one to read it.
    i can honestly say though the only times i feel like really typing something out on here is when i have something to say that i wanted to say to jennie earlier.
    so, i guess this is an apology for all my mistakes:

    i'm sorry baby, i didn't mean to upset you if i did.
    i love you more than anything.
    i guess i'm just still recovering from any previous horrible relationships or events that seemed to of generated my many insecurities.
    i know you'd never do anything to hurt me, i'm sorry i feel the need to be reassured all the time, i know its dumb and childish of me, i guess its just a sign that i'm still damaged.
    i'm sorry i hide what bothers me, i just feel like i'd upset you more if i told you how stupid the reasons actually were.
     i hope you don't leave me for it. I try my best to not be insecure, i think i've gotten allot better, but i'd guess you'd be the better judge of that.

    i would love nothing more than to marry you and have you be mine forever.
    you mean everything to me, i'd be torn to shreds without you. Having you gives my life the only purpose i feel its ever had, without your love i'd feel incomplete and worthless. Honestly i can find no other purpose in life other than being with the one i love the most.

Sunday, 05 April 2009

  • *sigh* i hate people who think they are cool from arguing on the internet. especially when they are clearly instigating just to be annoying, or maybe they think they are superior. They go through all these troubles just act like their opinion is more important than someone elses when in the end its just an opinion and there is no proof for an opinion.

    regardless sometimes i just bite my tongue and walk away, while thinking "go die" inside my head.

Monday, 02 February 2009

  • i think i've reached that point where i stop stressing about things so much anymore. which may or may not be a good thing maybe i'll actually get more done who knows.

    but i'm suddenly worried over stupid stuff. i'm not really even sure why. I know i'm probably just worrying too much. I hope this feeling leaves me soon.

doubleedgedchaos

  • Visit doubleedgedchaos's Xanga Site
    • Name: Dustin
    • Location: Sumter, South Carolina, United States
    • Birthday: 10/23/1989
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 6/11/2004

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  • neim = dustin kyle scott schtuff i be's of teh nerdyness soo woooooo shtuff i liek and do = games and drawing and pwning ^_^ also messing with meh comp <img src="http://www.geocities.com/soaprailslider/dustdance.gif"></img>

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